The Ketamine Series: Part 3 – My IV Ketamine Journey: Part 3

This is a continuation of my previous blog. Please read the second part before reading this.

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It was about to be my third session out of the five IV Ketamine sessions I committed to. 

This was not a fun time in my life, well, at least not every day. I had been through breakups before, but doing the IV ketamine + recovering from burnout + this breakup was an incredible challenge. 

(💡 Aside: Even writing about this today, over a year and a half later, has brought up emotions and memories with my ex. This is totally normal! I feel a lot of people pressure themselves to “just get over it”. Sorry! That is not how grief works. Grief is a complex mix of emotions, often arriving all at once or in waves, but my experience with grief is different from others’, too.

I can be sitting still, not thinking of anything in particular, and a memory of my ex pops up years later. This is ok. What can become problematic is when we suppress those feelings and memories and/or act on them, like reaching out to your ex when that might not be a good idea. For me, I have learned that I can sit with the discomfort of the pain and let it exist in me, not take over me. My ex and I’s story is a part of my journey, and I continue to integrate that into my life rather than suppressing it.)

If I wanted to disassociate and pretend everything was fine, like I had done for so many years, the ketamine made that impossible. I was feeling my emotions every day, which, in hindsight, is a massive blessing. The ketamine helped me process the breakup in a way I had never experienced before. 

My third session was completely different from the others. It was a full-on psychedelic experience, something I had never experienced before. I was completely immersed in the experience, unaware of my surroundings, and had no perception of time. 

April 19th, 2024 : Third IV Ketamine Treatment 

Intention: How will I continue to move towards rest?

April 19th, 2024: Post-session Third IV Ketamine Treatment

What came up?

→ My ex partner and the moment I met their parents on the stairs (looped through some) 

→ Death: That I was dying and in the ER (or going there) and this was it, this was the end 

→ The Disney movie (Inside Out) + Riley and where memories + emotions go to die in the graveyard area (thought of my ex and how I did not want to dissolve their memory/our memories); maybe not hold onto them but cherish them

→ I felt I was more accepting; flowing and allowing what was happening; accepting that maybe this was what was happening to me like death and such

→ also felt like I was going crazy

→ I felt like I was in a spinning motion thing at times and then in a dark/blueish area

The takeaway from all of this is that I want to flow and accept more and not overprocess and reflect all the time. I want routines + hobbies in place that allow for this built in reflection time. It is not a never-ending to do list or 15,000 changes at once. It is micro-changes. Steps in the right direction. Always some steps and also knowing what you want and need will guide your path. No talking about it. Or no just talking about it. You know what to do or even what not to do! You know your limits but also gentle limit pushing is positive, as well. 

This session was insightful and highlighted the deep grief I was experiencing. I knew I was not ready to let go of my ex; it had been less than a month since the breakup. It is hard to explain in words, ineffable, but this ketamine experience deepened my grief while simultaneously starting to alleviate it. 

 I was able to reframe these moments and realize I can cherish them, but not hold too tightly to the memories. The reality was, we may never date or be a part of each other’s lives (foreshadowing: we never did and do not talk). 

I had always heard of the “ego death”, but this was a profound moment where I truly accepted death. I refuse to wear headphones when doing IV ketamine (some sensory thing, probably my ADD), so I heard the blood pressure monitor beep, and I was so high, I thought I was in the ER. In my mind, I saw my therapist there and the nurse, and then I thought, “Would my therapist let me die?” No, but I still accepted “Hey, I might be dead. Maybe I am in limbo. It is dark and blueish down there and quiet. Too quiet, but I guess I will figure out how to make this work.” And just like that, I was awake probably 5 minutes later (though it felt like hours, and hours). 

I continued to feel more grounded, even amongst all the grief in my life. And I started to get out of my comfort zone!! More on that next time.. 

How have you coped with breakups in the past? What lessons did you learn from those breakups? Comment below!

Stay tuned for the next blog in late October! I am hard at work on The Mindful Tech Club.

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