The Ketamine Series: Part 3 – My IV Ketamine Journey: Part 2

This is a continuation of my previous blog. Please read the first part before reading this.

---

My mental health had been improving since February, but I was still vulnerable. My confidence had started to grow because of TRE (Tension and Trauma Release Exercises) and the prospect of doing ketamine treatment. 

But after the breakup, I was as bad or slightly worse off than I had been in February. I had lost my best friend and main support person. 

How was I going to get through ketamine therapy? Who will pick me up? Who will support me during the potential challenges of this treatment?

I was grateful for the amazing friends and roommates I had during this time, but even with love surrounding me, I was deep in grief and less excited about my ketamine treatment. 

I spoke to my therapist about the news and how this would affect my treatment. I expected my breakup to become the front and center of my treatment, and I was upset that my focus would be changing. I decided to move forward, even though I was more fearful and less confident. 

April 5th, 2024: First IV Ketamine Treatment 

Behaviors I want to work on (self-sabotage):

• Complusivity around my body (bathroom, eating, drinking) and listen to my needs as they COME up 

• Trying to alter my reality instead of working with what I have at hand (I usually try hard to change the feeling instead of being curious and accepting that maybe I just need to feel that emotion for a bit)

• Not leaving on time or believing I will make it somewhere at the very last second

Note: I now have a better understanding of these behaviors. For bullet point one, I have struggled with OCD centered around my body. I will discuss this in a later blog post. I also have ADD, which bullet point three relates to time blindness.

April 5th, 2024: Post-session First IV Ketamine Treatment 

I just felt like I was in a dark hole. Lack of visuals, more of feelings. 

For the days after my initial treatment, I was able to find some peace. I walked around my neighborhood with no headphones, which are usually my security blanket. I always want to be talking on the phone or listening to music, but I was able to be present without those distractions and enjoy life. 

I hung out with my friends and started to document activities I could do with all the people in my life. This exercise helped me remember to connect with others in my life, even though I was struggling with grief. 

On April 9th, I journaled at a local park and even ~spontaneously~ went to a Taco Tuesday happy hour. This small act of spontaneity shocked me, and I was excited to see how additional ketamine treatments would help me reconnect to this part of me. 

I continued working on reflecting as much as I could between sessions. I wanted to expand my focus and explore my toxic behavior patterns related to burnout and pushing people away when I am struggling. I wanted to learn how to get out of these burnout and mood cycles I struggled with most of my life. 

April 12th, 2024: Post-session Second IV Ketamine Treatment 

At times, my ex did not feel familiar.. Like a distant memory. I wonder how much of the past year I was actually present. 

I felt like that at times during our relationship. I did not feel like they were my partner. I was disconnected from that.

I at times did not feel someone so wonderful and attractive would be with me, and I was damn scared of ruining that. That cycle of anxiety came up at times, and they did not like that + saw it as a self-sabotage behavior. This fear ran deep. It made me push them away. After the ER when things were so bad for me. I did not want them to continue seeing me as such a mess. I think that is hard. I open up but get scared after I show too much. 

During my initial two sessions, I was unable to dive deep as the medicine was not strong enough to immerse myself in the experience. Nonetheless, the treatment started to shift my mindset, emotions, and energy into small, positive changes. 

The day after my treatment, I went on an adventure.. By myself. I biked to another part of town with one mission: find a quiet spot to journal. I started feeling freer with no goals for the day, just to exist. I continued my adventure and went to a coffee shop and a thrift store without a care in the world. 

I continued to reflect and remain curious about what was coming up for me as my third ketamine session was fast approaching. The clinic upped my ketamine dose, and my IV Ketamine infusions became very trippy… 

Initial Consultation

30

Book Now

Stay tuned for the next post coming in two weeks! Comment below if any of this resonates with you or if you have any questions about IV ketamine treatment.