Lost Moments with My Father | Reflections from an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

Dad,

There are many moments we lost together. Both while you were alive and now that you are no longer alive. We missed out on father child weekend camping trips, father daughter dances in high school, my high school graduation, all of my college experiences and just in general having a healthy and loving relationship. I wish we could have done more when you were alive, but I was embarrassed and ashamed because of your alcoholism. I did not want anyone to see you were an alcoholic, and this is why I never invited you to these events in my life. 

I wonder what it would have been like to go to every father child weekend together. I wonder what it would have been like to go hiking and look at the trees above us and the bugs below us. I wonder what it would have been like to make s’mores together and get chocolate all over our faces and laugh at each other. 

I wonder what it would have been like to hit the dance floor together at the father/daughter dances in high school. I wonder what it would have felt like to whip out awkward dance moves together and laugh at the silliness. I wonder if we would have danced in sync, and I wonder what we would have worn each year. I wonder what it would have felt like to have seen my friends and their dads dressed up in costumes and dancing. We could have had inside jokes from the dance, but we never went together. 

I wonder what it would have felt like to have invited you to my high school graduation. I was too embarrassed and angry at you and ripped up your ticket. I wonder how you would have felt if you had gone to my high school graduation. Would you have had a big smile on your face? Would you have cried? Would you have felt joy? I wonder if you would have felt proud of me and expressed that to me. 

I wonder what it would have been like if you had helped me move-in into my dorm. I felt saddened when I saw that some of my floormates had both sets of parents helping them move them in. I wonder what it would have been like for you to see me going into the next step of my life. How would you have felt? I wonder what it would have been like to invite you to family weekend and attend a football game together. I wonder what it would have felt like to cheer on my school’s team together. I wonder what it would have felt like to invite you to campus to have lunch with me, like I did with mom. I wonder if we would have laughed and talked about deep things. 

But I never saw or heard how you felt during these experiences. I was never able to know how I felt during these experiences because they did not happen. Since your death, you missed out on experiencing beautiful events with me and seeing the wonderful accomplishments I have achieved. You missed my college graduation. You missed being there when I received the news that I got the fellowship I worked hard to get. You’ll never be able to meet my adorable furball named Dreamsicle. You’ll never meet my future partner. We will never be able to travel to cool places together. You’ll never be there to support me if I need support. You’ll be missing other important milestones in my life because of your early death that was accelerated by your alcohol addiction. I yearn for the father I knew before your addiction became your entire essence.

Where did that father go?